Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The baby is startling me. Sometimes the kicks are pretty vigorous, and they are never accompanied by a warning!
Another thing that has startled me is the scale. At the beginning of pregnancy, I guess I thought that I would gain 30 pounds, maybe I’d even be on the lower end, at 25 or so. Then I lost about 9 pounds from morning sickness and I figured I’d gain about 40 from that low point. But now I am at 34 weeks and I have already gained a total of 53 pounds. I guess it can’t climb much further, as I only have about 6 weeks left. But 53 pounds is a lot. I’ve never weighed this much in my entire life, and it did not occur to me once that I’d possibly gain this much during pregnancy or at any other point in my life.
So I figure I’ll lose about 20 pounds when the baby comes, because my hands are pretty swollen and I’m guessing I’ll have a lot of water retention that goes away. But that’s 33 pounds left to lose. I’ve never lost that much weight in my life, either. There’s a first for everything, I guess.
I had no idea carpal tunnel could be so painful. I knew there was some degree of numbness involved, and I had heard a little here and there about pain. On the last night of our recent trip to California, I woke up in the hotel bed nearly writhing in pain. I knew I didn’t have anything along to take for pain (and I’ve been staying away from medications in general, anyway) and I was too sleepy to be able to think of what to do or think about it. I just whimpered and rolled over, again and again. In the morning my hand was so stiff I could barely bend my fingers. Then later in the day I had been grasping something for a few minutes (pulling myself up on the handle on the ceiling of the car, to be precise) and then it felt like I had arthritis. It was painful to bend my fingers.
I might be exaggerating a bit, because I can’t judge very well how bad something hurt in the middle of the night, just woken from sleep, but I can say I’ll be so glad when it subsides and doesn’t make nightly visits anymore.
I went on a walk to the grocery today, to get milk (ours went sour on the week-long trip we took) and as I was walking I passed a gym. A serious gym, with kettlebells and big ropes and such. Then a runner passed on the other side of the street. I thought about how comfortable I would be after delivery, and how I’d love to just be able to go out and run, or work out again. But then I felt the baby move, and I realized I would miss the baby being right there, so close. Some days will involve walking with the baby on my body, or in a stroller, or hand in hand, but right now I get to have the baby the closest it will ever get, and I will miss that when it’s over. I think the last 6 weeks should last as long as possible, now.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Why must my family be so splintered? It's been two years since I've talked with my 12 year old sister, due to my parents' ideas about keeping their family "clean" from "bad influences" (me). One brother is friends with me on facebook. I happened upon his pictures of my grandmother's funeral/memorial gathering. I was not invited.
It doesn't make sense to me. And what about the extended family? Some of them sided with my parents, and most of the others I have not been in touch with for various reasons - the shock, the distance, the "I knew you through my parents' circle," etc.
Sometimes I think it will just get better. And sure, it will, eventually. But wrong doesn't just go away. I'll never get back these two years (and more to come) of silence.